Charlie Brown in Lucy's World

Vent

2009-09-14T19:58:00.002-04:00

For those of you who actually read this, I'm sorry for not updating. I don't think this is going to be a consistent thing, but I just needed to write this somewhere and I couldn't find anywhere else to do it.

I spent ten days (six in one stay, four the second) this summer in a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts associated with ongoing bipolar disorder.
Though no one knew about it except for a handful of people, and only a few more know about it now, it's a humiliating experience. To realize you can't hold your own life together and need to have it structured by techs in their late 20's and early 30's who think they're better than you is a devastating experience.
In some ways it was a growing experience. Through my therapy sessions, I became more assertive and was able to tell my parents more about how I felt. But my social anxiety has increased and I still get anxious in public places. Even the classroom, where there is normally less than 20 students, can be challenging.

Before I took my semester off, I was only beginning to slip off the peak of my academic tenure. Even in England, it had more or less only impacted my emotions and not my academics. Before England I was taking upwards of six or seven classes. Now I can barely handle four. I am by no means the same student I was as a freshman, sophomore, or junior.

It's embarrassing, to have to go to professors and tell them you need extra time on assignments. It's embarrassing to not be able to hang out with friends not because you don't want to, but because you physically can't. It's embarrassing to sit in a classroom and grip your seat arm so tightly your knuckles turn white just to stop your hands from shaking.

Yes, I'm on medication. And to a degree, I'm stable. My mood swings are less frequent and more in control. But not my suicidal thoughts. Some days I stare at the computer, knowing that there's a pair of scissors right below my hands in a desk drawer. And, yes, I have pulled them out a few times but I've always stopped myself. Except for punching a concrete wall, I have never done anything to harm myself. Do I want to live? Yes. Do I always see it as the optimal solution? No.

So why am I posting this? This is scary stuff. For everyone, both you and me. For my sake, I ask that those of you who read this don't share it with anyone. Everyone who I want to know about it already does, and those find it anonymously can read it as well. But for right now, all I needed was a place to vent. And that's what this is. I don't want to have to shut it down like I did my last one.

Thank you.

RENT

2009-04-24T23:00:00.002-04:00

So RENT is my new obsession. I rented the final performance they filmed live on Broadway and fell in love. I think it's because so many of the lyrics speak to me. For example:

Will I lose my dignity?/Will someone care?/Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

When I hear those lyrics I think of my breakdown and wonder how I ever came through it. How did I make it out alive? Some days I don't believe I'm still here.

To people living with, living with, living with, not dying from disease

Even though bipolar is not a terminal illness, and I am certainlly not belittling the struggle of those who are going through a serious illness, when you have to feign off thoughts of death, it's like dealing with one. It takes over the mind and becomes completely consuming.

There's only now/There's only here/Give into love/Or live in fear

I need to start living. Really living. I've kept myself in such a shell it's hard for me to connect with people, and I don't want to be that way the rest of my life. I want to really become engaged in my life, and find someone to spend the rest of my life with.

RENT is coming to DC at the end of May, and I hopefully am going to go see it (hopefully, hopefully). I can't wait.

FORGET REGRET. NO DAY BUT TODAY.

Blah

2009-03-29T21:21:00.002-04:00

Okay, so it's official.

I'm a failure at blogging.

I've been at home for the last 6 weeks, doing absolutely nothing, and I haven't blogged once, for the simple fact that there's nothing to blog about. Who wants to hear about how I cleaned the house for the third day in a row or how my therapy session went (because that's about the only thing I'm doing with my time)?

Things are looking up, though. Thursday I am going to my college to hear a speaker, and then I am staying for a few days. I get to have dinner with my adviser and his wife, and then Monday my uncle is coming down and we are going to the Orioles home opener! Then, in May, my brother and I are going to New York for a week and I'm going to get to see "Avenue Q" for a second time and "Wicked"! It's going to be an awesome trip.

Still no job or internship. I've been applying like crazy, calling in favors, but it's a really tough market right now. I'm hoping I'll have something that pays; at this point I'll take anything. Well, almost anything.

So that's about it. Like i said, my life's incredibly boring right now. But I can't wait till Thursday, so that's good. I'll write more when I get back. Probably.

I'm alive, I guess...

2009-02-12T20:16:00.002-05:00

WARNING: TRIGGERS

So going back to school was supposed to be the best thing. I was supposed to meet with the doctor, get my meds straightened out, see my friends, and go back to life as it was before study abroad.

WRONG.

I had maybe one good day before I fell apart. And this time, I couldn't work. I've never had that problem before. The breaking point came when I had to drop my thesis, a project I've already been working on for a year. It was then I realized something was really not working right.

That, and the constant visual hallucinations of suicide didn't help, either.

So I made the decision to take a leave of absence. At the beginning of my last semester. Three courses short of graduating.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I've been in a deep depression since the end of January, and the tunnel is still dark. I came home today, and I'm a mess. Even as I write this, I'm in tears. I can't do this. I'm only so strong.

I'll be starting therapy next week, and seeing a psychiatrist soon, as well. i can't see right now that it's going to be okay.

There's nothing good about this situation. Can you tell I'm in bad shape right now?

I can't right anymore. Sorry to depress everyone. I just had to get this out.

I really should be working on my essays...

2008-12-08T16:55:00.002-05:00

But, hey, I was pretty productive, I deserved the evening off. More work tomorrow.

I really have no idea what to write, but I wante to post. I have neglected this blog quite a bit this semester, for obvious reasons, and for that I apologize to ye few but faithful readers.
This being the last week of the semester (7 days till Europe!), I think I'll do a list of things I learned this semester:

-Robert Putnam will always haunt my academic career.
-British pub quizzes are harder than American pub quizzes.
-The microwave is my friend.
-I don't ever want to live by myself.
-I need my parents more than I thought. If it hadn't been for them, I wouldn't have made it through the semester.
-A five hour time delay can be quite long.
-There are people who will always be there for you, no matter what.

I had a rough semester. I had bad thoughts more than I'd care to admit, and I spent more than one night crying my eyes out. I tried really hard to be social, but UEA just wasn't the school for me. It was too big and overwhelming, and had too much of a drinking and party culture for me. But I learned a lot about myself, and that's important. I traveled, and I had my first taste of life outside of the college bubble. Was it worth it? That question is too hard to answer, because there are element I'd keep, but many more I'd leave behind.
Alas, next week the fun begins. I can't wait to see my best friend and my brother! I'm looking forward to it so much.
So what's going on in the states? Any thing interesting?

Open to the public?

2008-12-04T17:48:00.003-05:00

So I am on facebook (along with a good portion of the living world). Under websites, right now, I currently only list my travel blog because I know the content is safe and no one can misinterpret it (for the most part).
But I kind of want my general blog to go back into circulation. I know it tends to delve into a self-pity run every now and then, but I kind of want to share it with people, increase my audience from 2 to 5, you know?
What do you think, loyal readers? Should I list it on Facebook or should I leave it hidden on the world wide web?

World AIDS Day

2008-12-01T05:46:00.002-05:00

They unfolded your lives one by one
They laid out your patchwork under the sun
And people gathered from miles around
To witness your quilt spread on the ground.

And then they called out your name
Oh yes they called out your name
Oh and you will live forever
You know that I'll be loving you
Just like a patchwork quilt.

Well there were men and women, mothers and fathers
Sisters and brothers, daughters and sons
And children and babies, and lovers and friends
They all lay before me sewn into one.

Your lives had meaning and your lives had joy
You touches so many peole, many more than you will know
And you wrapped yourselves around me
As I walked along these rows
You're letting me feel your beautiful souls.

I feel the warmth of your lives
Oh and you will live forever
You know that I'll be loving you
Just like a patchwork quilt.

My heart spills over, flowing with tears
I cry for your suffering and
for your shortened years
And I'll take you with me as I walk away
Remembering you who have died with AIDS

Yes, I remember your names
Oh I remember your names
Oh and you will live forever
You know that I'll be loving you
Just like a patchwork quilt.

In memory of those who have dies from or are suffering from HIV or AIDS

I need a hug.

2008-11-28T15:40:00.002-05:00

I'm really lonely right now.

I never thought of myself as a personal who really wants physical contact, but I haven't had a true hug since September. And I could really use one. Or even just someone to sit one, to feel somebody's body close to mine. I am craving human contact.

17 days till I see my brother and friend, and I can't wait. 2 papers, a research project, and a take home test is all I have left. it's going to be a busy two weeks, but I just need them to be over. I can't wait to get out of here.

Thanksgiving was all right. I had classes most of the day, and then my friend invited me to a small Thanksgiving dinner. It was nice, and I was glad to be invited somewhere, because otherwise I would have spent it in my room eating microwave sweet and sour chicken.

Did I mention I'm really lonely?

Post comments, please. I really want to chat with people. And Snowbunny, there is nothing wrong with Lee Greenwood.

My thoughts on Election Day

2008-11-05T14:18:00.000-05:00

If tomorrow all the things were gone,
I’d worked for all my life.
And I had to start again,
with just my children and my wife.

I’d thank my lucky stars,
to be livin here today.
‘ Cause the flag still stands for freedom,
and they can’t take that away.

And I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

From the lakes of Minnesota,
to the hills of Tennessee.
Across the plains of Texas,
From sea to shining sea.

From Detroit down to Houston,
and New York to L.A.
Well there's pride in every American heart,
and its time we stand and say.

That I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

And I’m proud to be and American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

Lee Greenwood's sounding pretty damn good right now.

I got posted in the Washington Post travel chat!

2008-11-03T16:52:00.001-05:00

Norwich, UK: I'm studying abroad right now and everyone wants to talk about the election. It's number one on their minds as well. The bar is even staying open all night so Americans (and everyone else) can watch election returns come in. We've been talking all about it in my politics courses, and there's a round table next week. Even though I'd rather be in America for this great event, it's really exciting over here, too!

Scott Vogel: That bar might have to stay open into the next day. Nah, let's think positive.

I made it

2008-11-01T15:56:00.000-04:00

I'm through the storm.

Just a minor setback.

Hopefully.

Lies

2008-10-30T09:46:00.002-04:00

So I'm a really good liar.

I'm fucking miserable here. I've just about had it. Part of me wants to find an airline ticket and come home.

The bipolar's bad, and I don't know how to make it stop. I've been talking to a counselor, but it's not really helping.

I don't know how much more I can take. I fucking hate this.

The rest of them

2008-10-26T19:08:00.000-04:00

More pictures from London!

London!

2008-10-26T18:51:00.000-04:00

Pictures are here!

Relevant, no?

2008-10-21T14:15:00.000-04:00

Howard Beale: I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's work, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TV's while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad - worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, 'Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone.' Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot - I don't want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you've got to get mad.
Howard Beale: [shouting] You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, Goddamnit! My life has VALUE!' So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell,
[shouting]
Howard Beale: 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!' I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell - 'I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!... You've got to say, 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Then we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it:
Howard Beale: [screaming at the top of his lungs] "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"
-"Network", 1976

Liz's Rules

2008-10-18T08:41:00.002-04:00

So if you've seen my favorite show (that's currently on television), "NCIS," you know that Gibbs, the team leader played by the incredibly sexy Mark Harmon, has a set of 50 rules that he teaches to his underlings. These rules include:
-Always carry a knife
-Never screw over your partner
-Never date a coworker

In this spirit, I've decided to come up with my own list of rules, some humorous, and some serious. Here is the beginning of my list:
-Never let a friend down.
-Don't let people pat you on the head.
-Always have a book with you/
-Always keep your prescriptions filled.
-A "West Wing" quote is always appropriate.
-Have a strong support system.
-If you don't trust yourself, trust somebody else.
-Find something you're passionate about, and run with it.

That's all I have right now. Any contributions? Any thoughts on your own personal rules? I'd love to hear them.

Catch Up

2008-10-15T06:44:00.002-04:00

Hi everyone.

I know it's been a while since I last posted. Sorry about that.

My classes are still amazing; I love being able to write on topics I enjoy. One paper I am writing is about (take a guess, i dare you) "The West Wing" and another one is an analysis of an "NCIS" discussion forum. So, yeah, I'm enjoying my work right now.

I get to see the Reduced Shakespeare Company on Friday! They are amazing and absolutely hysterical. I have their DVD ("The Complete Works of Shakespeare-Abridged") and I laugh every time I watch it.

My favorite part about being here is the pub quizzes. I thrive there, and they're the best way for me to make friends. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Make sure you check out my other blog. I'm keeping it a bit more updated than this one right now.

Miss you all! Leave some notes! I love hearing from people!

Pictures!

2008-10-04T13:20:00.002-04:00

Pictures of Norwich and Cambridge have been posted!

Check them out!

My thoughts on the Bailout package and Congress

2008-10-03T13:33:00.001-04:00

Boy: Woof! You sure gotta climb a lot of steps to get to this Capitol Building here in Washington. But I wonder who that sad little scrap of paper is?

I'm just a bill.
Yes, I'm only a bill.
And I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill.
Well, it's a long, long journey
To the capital city.
It's a long, long wait
While I'm sitting in committee,
But I know I'll be a law someday
At least I hope and pray that I will,
But today I am still just a bill.

Boy: Gee, Bill, you certainly have a lot of patience and courage.

Bill: Well I got this far. When I started, I wasn't even a bill, I was just an idea. Some folks back home decided they wanted a law passed, so they called their local Congressman and he said, "You're right, there oughta be a law." Then he sat down and wrote me out and introduced me to Congress. And I became a bill, and I'll remain a bill until they decide to make me a law.

I'm just a bill
Yes I'm only a bill,
And I got as far as Capitol Hill.
Well, now I'm stuck in committee
And I'll sit here and wait
While a few key Congressmen discuss and debate
Whether they should let me be a law.
How I hope and pray that they will,
But today I am still just a bill.

Boy: Listen to those congressmen arguing! Is all that discussion and debate about you?

Bill: Yeah, I'm one of the lucky ones. Most bills never even get this far. I hope they decide to report on me favourably, otherwise I may die.

Boy: Die?

Bill: Yeah, die in committee. Oooh, but it looks like I'm gonna live! Now I go to the House of Representatives, and they vote on me.

Boy: If they vote yes, what happens?

Bill: Then I go to the Senate and the whole thing starts all over again.

Boy: Oh no!

Bill: Oh yes!

I'm just a bill
Yes, I'm only a bill
And if they vote for me on Capitol Hill
Well, then I'm off to the White House
Where I'll wait in a line
With a lot of other bills
For the president to sign
And if he signs me, then I'll be a law.
How I hope and pray that he will,
But today I am still just a bill.

Boy: You mean even if the whole Congress says you should be a law, the president can still say no?

Bill: Yes, that's called a veto. If the President vetoes me, I have to go back to Congress and they vote on me again, and by that time you're so old...

Boy: By that time it's very unlikely that you'll become a law. It's not easy to become a law, is it?

Bill: No!

But how I hope and I pray that I will,
But today I am still just a bill.

Congressman: He signed you, Bill! Now you're a law!

Bill: Oh yes!!!

-"Schoolhouse Rock"

Politics Post

2008-10-03T10:18:00.000-04:00

Argh-so pissed right now because i can't get C-Span to stream the bailout debate on my computer! I want to see this!

Debate-Biden won. Hands down. And Palin better not use the phrase "There you go again" or "McCain the Maverick" or "Doggone it" ever again.

Shana Tova!

2008-09-29T06:37:00.001-04:00

Dip the apples in the honey
Make a blessing loud and clear
L'shana tova tikateivu
Have a happy new year!

A happy and healthy new year to all my friends! I wish I was at home celebrating the new year with you!

Breakthrough

2008-09-27T17:47:00.002-04:00

Okay, I'm a little better than last night. I had a really good day today, and I met someone else with bipolar disorder, which made me feel better. She and I have already talked about getting together for coffee or lunch at some point in time. It was nice to find someone who knew what I was going through. I think talking to her will help.
In even better news, pub quiz tomorrow night! Huzzah!

I can't stop crying right now.

2008-09-26T17:39:00.001-04:00

I want to come home.

I'm so lonely right now.

Please don't tell anyone.

I'm supposed to be able to do this.

Why is this so hard?

I <3 Aaron Sorkin

2008-09-22T13:58:00.002-04:00

Just another reason why scripted presidencies are better than real ones.

Read this article that Maureen Dowd commissioned. I don't just love because it's got President Bartlet and it was written by Aaron Sorkin, but it's brilliant. It's so true to form and honest about the state of our campaign cycle. Sorkin's added wit just adds to its excellence.

England!

2008-09-20T18:28:00.002-04:00

Hello all! I am here in England and totally overwhelmed. The whole English system kind of intimidates me. It's much more intense than the American system. Or at least that's the way it seems right now.

It's still pretty quiet on campus. Not everyone has moved in yet. In fact, the classes don't even all start at the same time. Some students have already been here for three weeks, other classes don't start for another week. It's weird.

Well, I am actually quite tired right now. It's 11:30 here, and time for bed. Check out my other blog for more.

Good night, and cheers.
Charlie Brown

Farewell!

2008-09-16T15:09:00.003-04:00

So this is it. My last post from the United States for four months. Don't worry, ye few but loyal readers, i will continue posting here. And...for those who want to know more about my travels I will be posting at a second blog. This one is specifically devoted to my travels, whereas this will remain a general blog where I will continue to discuss my life, the election, and the world in general.

So, adieu, mes amis! We shall meet again in due time. Enjoy your lives, and don't do anything to crazy! ;)

Signing off until the other side of the pond,
Charlie Brown

T-minus 9 days

2008-09-08T20:29:00.002-04:00

So I'm up at my school right now, taking care of a few last minute things before I go to England for the semester. It's weird being here just as a visitor and not as a student. I feel almost out of place.

I can't believe I am going to England in just over a week. After that I won't be back in the states until January. January! Holy shit!

I was talking to a couple people today about my post-graduation plans. One says, "Definitely take a couple years off before going to grad school." The next says, "Definitely go to grad school." I say, "????????"

Not much else is going on. My life is pretty boring. I am really looking forward to the more exciting life I will live in the UK.

Someone called me adventurous today. I practically laughed at them.

People should write more about presidents in film and television. It would definitely make my life easier.

Signing off,
Charlie Brown

Politicking

2008-08-30T19:01:00.003-04:00

Being a political science major, i should jump at every opportunity I get to talk politics. But I don't. I find political commentary by anyone, including myself, somewhat boring. however, i will make an exception and share my thoughts on the DNC Convention.

Poor Mark Warner. I love the man, but he is in dire need of a speech coach. And he needs to stop describing politics in corporate terms. I don't want a CEO in the Senate, I want a politician. He's going to win his race by a landslide, and I'm excited for that. (Maybe I'll go work in his office...) Maybe more speaking opportunities outside of his home state will help his delivery.

I'll be honest. I am not a big Hillary fan. But her speech was spot-on. I was very impressed with her. She's got another Senate term ahead of her, most definitely, if another job doesn't open up... (I'm spitting three times and cursing, don't worry.)

Tim Kaine and his unibrow. I remember when he gave the Democrats' State of the Union in 2006. My friends and I watched and we weren't really listening to him because we were too busy looking at his unibrow. I wasn't crazy about his religious allegories, but if that helps motivate another part of the base, go for it. He definitely was a decent speaker.

Governor Brian Schweizer. No bolo ties. Period

Bill Richardson. "John McCain may pay hundreds of dollars for his shoes, but we're the ones that will be paying for his flip flops." Spot on. He was good.

And finally...The man, the myth, the legend

He is a poweful speaker. He is an idealist, which I can relate to, but I was lacking confidence in his ability to lead. His speech definitely made me feel somewhat better about his being the nominee. I'd say his speech was truly amazing and just what the Democrats needed to hear.

Next week is the RNC Convention. It's going to be a different tone, a different message. Let's see if they can stir up as much excitement as the Democrats did. I think that's going to be key: Which party can motivate their base more to gout and vote? I guess we'll see in November.

Cancer

2008-08-19T18:05:00.002-04:00

A man named Leroy Sievers died on Friday. He was a journalist for NPR who was battling cancer and blogging about his experiences. He was 53.

I didn't know Mr. Sievers by any means; I wasn't even a regular reader of his blog. But as the first anniversary (yahrzeit) of my grandmother's death approaches, I guess I'm more sensitive to these things.

It was weird reading about Mr. Sievers' experiences with cancer. With my grandmother it was so private, so hidden from me. I had no idea of 3/4 of what she went through.

As you know, I've contemplated my own mortality quite a bit in this past year, and not exactly in a good way. Death is a scary thing. We know it's imminent, yet when it happens, it's like we didn't know it was coming. And after it happens, we never want to mention it again.

When my grandmother died, I tried so hard to be strong. I had to be there for my dad and my brother. But that all stopped after my grandfather's persistent attempts to get me to go through my grandmother's closet, or my mom yelling at me for not doing what she asked. I remember sneaking downstairs in the apartment building and "hiding" until my dad called my cell and found me. It was then that I broke down.

Grandpa Seymour wanted to give me as much of her stuff as he could, mostly stuff I would never use or didn't want. With Dad's help, we gave a lot of it to charity and I didn't feel uber-guilty about not taking it. Now my grandfather and my uncle have been straightening up the apartment and he'll call me up randomly, offering me items of hers that "she just loved." All he had to do is mention her name and he's got me. Last week it was an umbrella and a change purse; next week, who knows?

I will never forget my grandmother. That is an undeniable fact. But I don't need blouses or umbrellas to do so. I also don't like talking about her as if there's some karmic connection between people who are dead and people who are living. (I don't believe in anyn kind of spiritual afterlife.) The biggest way I know she is still connected to us is because my brother's going to college. Not that he wouldn't have anyway, but that was something she really wanted him to do.

I remember when we first found out about my grandmother's cancer. it was 2002, a rough year for my family in general. My brother and I were kept pretty isolated from everything that was happening, so we didn't know a lot. But she was a fighter. She set goals for herself to keep her going. First, in 2003, she wanted to do the chicken dance at my brother's bar mitzvah. Then, in 2005, she wanted to see her first grandchild (me) graduate high school and go to college. Her next was goal was to see my brother (and cousin) graduate from high school in 2008. She lost the battle 9 months too early, but that was enough for my brother. He worked exceptionally hard this past year. He adored our grandmother, and has actually designed and planned to get a tattoo based around her name. (Seriously.)

How do I remember my grandmother? I work as hard as I can at everything I do, because I know that's what she'd want me to do. And that's the best way I can think of to honor her memory.

So, first of all, Mr. Sievers, I thank you for sharing your experience, painful as it may have been. You made cancer real to me, and I appreciate you helping me understand what my grandmother went through. Rest in peace.

And if there is an afterlife and she is in heaven, telling God to turn on the heat because it's too cold, rest in peace, Grandma June, and know that you'll always be remembered. I love you and miss you.

Liz

My future

2008-08-04T21:26:00.002-04:00

So it's that time. I have to think about the future. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? I know I don't have to settle on anything permanent, but I need to come up with a concrete plan for a number of reasons, not the least of which being it will make me feel better. But if I want to go to grad school, I have to take the GRE, and I am going to probably have to do that abroad.

So here are my options-

Paths:
Grad School (Diplomacy, American Politics, Communications...)-The only real reason I am thinking about grad school is because the school that helped put on the Student Congress is offering a significant scholarship to a graduate of the program, and it's a really good school. Otherwise, I hadn't given too much thought to grad school.

Job-My plan had always been to work on the Hill and move to DC, but I'm beginning to look at other options, like working for a research institution or a governor's office. (I don't want to work on a campaign.) I've also been thinking about mental health advocacy, but that's just anther possibility.

So PLEASE comment. Let me know what you think. Let me know what you did/are doing. How did you come to that decision? What would you have done differently?

Charlie Brown

A man from Kentucky

2008-07-27T21:49:00.002-04:00

I spent this past week in Lexington, Kentucky with the Henry Clay Center for Statesmanship as a member of their inaugural Student Congress. This was some amazing program.

When we arrived on Saturday, we were 51 rising college seniors (one from each state and DC) who had no idea what to expect. As people arrived, we sat in the lobby and talked. That night was my 21st birthday. I am one of only a handful who can say they have drank beer with people from at least 40 states.

We went to Ashland, Henry Clay's impressive yet modest Lexington estate, where we learned how to "alphacize" by state. It's safe to say we can all name the states in alphabetical order now.

Next on the agenda was a day at Transylvania University, a small school on par with my college. I met a professor of rhetoric there, and I think I might be talking to him about my thesis! We also saw downtown Lexington and Henry Clay's law office.

Tuesday was our first day of classes. Our academic itinerary was established by the head of the Patterson School of International Relations, and he lined up some pretty impressive speakers. We did leadership exercises, including some of the funniest icebreaker skits I have ever seen.

Wednesday was by far the most memorable day. In the afternoon we went to Frankfort and visited the Capitol, which was really impressive. They let us sit at the desks on the floor of the House of Representatives! We also met the governor's Chief of Staff, who is only 33-really young for a COS. I could see myself going back there to work there after I graduate.

Really cool sidenote- we were all named honorary Kentucky Colonels, which means we provide a great public service. it also means if we ever live in Kentucky we can get a special license plate.

In the evening we went to Three Chimneys, one of the grandest horse farms in Kentucky. They have bred many horses. We got to see THE Smarty Jones. Soon Big Brown will be living on this farm as well. Our guest speaker for the night was former Senator Nancy Kasselbaum-Baker.

We had speakers most of the day on Thursday, including John Harwood, MSNBC correspondent and best-selling author, and Cyprus's ambassador to the United States, an eloquent man who spoke to us for nearly two hours.

Friday was our last day. In the evening, we had our final dinner at a horse auction site (I forgot the name, but it's the big money site). We had a taped speech from Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor and the mayor of Lexington also spoke. We were each given a beautiful watch along with a certificate of completion.

My week in Kentucky was the best week I have had in a long time. I felt so good the entire time, and I have 50 new friends all across the nation who are smart, kind, and destined to do great things. I am so glad I had the experience to participate in this program. I learned a lot about leadership, and about the power of one person doing the right thing. To quote the reporter of the Lexington herald-Leader who wrote about us, "Henry Clay would have been proud this week."

Charlie Brown

SO EXCITED!!!!!

2008-07-18T19:15:00.001-04:00

STEVE MILLER WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
T-MINUS 5 HOURS TO 21!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AWESOME!!!!

2008-07-17T09:34:00.001-04:00

I'M GOING TO SEE STEVE MILLER BAND AND JOE COCKER TONIGHT!!!!!!!!

Movie Review #4

2008-07-16T18:29:00.002-04:00

Wristcutters: A Love Story

I know what you're thinking (or at least I am pretty sure my parents were thinking this): how can someone who was at one point not so long ago suicidal watch that movie and not go off the deep end?

It's easy. I'm better now. :)

It's a neat concept that the people who kill themselves are in a sort of purgatory until it's discovered whether they belong there or not. Not a typical movie theme, and I admit there were points where there were suicidal thoughts in my head, but overall it was a likable movie and I would watch it again.

4 out of 5 stars
It depends on your emotional state at the time

Movie Review #3

2008-07-16T18:27:00.002-04:00

Rocket Science

I like this movie. It's unpredictable; it's off the beaten movie trail. It's about a kid with a stutter who is "recruited" to join the debate team. All I will say is my best friend and I found our battle cry in this movie.

4 out of 5 stars
It's an enjoyable film

Why Senior Year is going to be hell

2008-07-16T18:24:00.002-04:00

Summer-Senior Thesis, 20-30 pages

Fall-in England
3 classes
Work on thesis, not for letter grade (be almost done with rough draft by December)

And the kicker...

Spring-at school
senior thesis-for final credits
2 Communications classes
1-2 Political Science classes
Work study (the one and only semester I am elgible)
Job hunting
Apartment hunting

Reality is setting in. And it ain't pretty.

Why I haven't posted

2008-07-05T22:35:00.002-04:00

Okay, there's no real good reason for why I haven't posted. I'm behind in movie posts, but the reading has been coming slowly. I've been doing some writing and my friend gave me "NCIS" on DVD and it's my new favorite show, so I've been watching that. So my apologies to my two or three loyal readers. I will catch up soon.

I hope everyone had a good fourth. Mine was pretty good-I ended up going to Gettysburg for the day with my friend's family. It was nice, but I heard Mark Warner came to my town's parade, so I was disappointed that I didn't get to see him. Plus fireworks were rained. Oh well. I had fun anyway.

By the way- 2 weeks from today = MY 21ST BIRTHDAY!!!!! Anyone who wants to hang out and celebrate after the 26th let me know. (I'm going to be in Kentucky that week.)

All right, reviews will be posted within the next week. Feel free to comment; give me an idea of what you might want to see me discuss. I'm open to any and all topics.

Thanks guys!
Chralie Brown!

Book Review #4

2008-06-25T20:25:00.002-04:00

The Kite Runner
Khaled Hosseini

I saw the movie first, so I came into it a bit jaded, but this is really well written. Hosseini is a gifted and talented writer, and his descriptions make you feel like you're standing in Afghanistan. Also, the movie was 95% true to the book-very impressive.

5 out of 5
Intense, but very good

Book Review #3

2008-06-05T10:10:00.002-04:00

The Uncommon Reader

Alan Bennett

I love Bennett's writing style. He is the playwright of the absolutely amazing play, The History Boys, and I have loved his work ever since. This book is about the Queen of England becoming interested in reading, so much so that it totally distorts her customary roles. Bennett has a great intellect and wit, and both shine in his writing. He is one of my new favorite authors.

4.5 out of 5
Go read it.

Amusing yet serious

2008-06-03T23:11:00.002-04:00

So today I decided to wear my "gay? fine by me" t-shirt when i was out with my mom. Well, that opened a nice can of worms. Besides commenting on how the shirt was too thin and tight on me (that's a first), she said to me, "I don't know if this means you're gay or you're fine with other people being gay."

Rock. Me. Hard place.

I'm not really defining myself with any social terms. In fact, I haven't really actually come out to myself. I just can't classify myself. I don't even fit in normal gender boundaries, not to mention sexual boundaries. It's just, what with dealing with everything else this year, determining whether I was gay or not kind of took a back seat. I really do need to figure it out, though.

I kind of dismissed my mom's question by saying that everyone else at school had one of those shirts (which is pretty true), and it worked. But I asked her what she would think if I was gay. She told me that as long as I was happy and healthy, she would adjust. I was oddly comforted by this fact. I didn't think she would be so accepting. But I'm glad to know this.

Boring summer

2008-05-27T22:37:00.002-04:00

Ok, so we're working on the internship. Almost there... It better come soon. I am tired of doing housework. Our basement flooded so I spent last week pulling up carpet and this week I was helping pull paneling and strand board off the walls. Now it's been determined that we're going to do drywall and insulation our selves. Oh joy. (I shouldn't complain too much; it's going to be my dad more than me, but I'll be doing quite a bit.)

I got my grades for the semester and did a lot better than I thought I would. I got three B+'s and one A. Maybe having breakdowns makes me do better academically, that seems to be a growing trend.

Since no one responded to my trivia contest, I think we will try it again at some other time. For those of you remotely interested, here are the answers:

1. Colombo
2. Liverpool, England
3. Boston Red Sox
4. James Garfield
5. John Lennon

That's about it. Kind of low right now, I've had a rough couple of days. I feel so screwed up inside and I hate that it's out of my control. I wish I was better.

Thanks for reading, whoever you are.

Charlie Brown

Movie Review #2

2008-05-27T22:34:00.001-04:00

"National Treasure 2: The Book of Secrets"

I like the concept of the NT films because I love history and its little intricacies, and I enjoy puzzles and ciphers as well. This plot was a bit more pliable than the first one, but it was really exciting and the adventure scenes aren't too shabby at all.

3.5 out of 5 stars
Good enough for a second viewing

Movie Review #1

2008-05-27T22:32:00.002-04:00

"Juno"

This is a really well done indie film. Similar to films like "No Country for Old Men", it's given more credit than it's necessarily due. But it's very enjoyable and well-intentioned. I think the plot kind of dissolved at the end but it was still good

4 out of 5 stars
I wouldn't buy it but I'd watch it again.

Trivia Contest

2008-05-20T17:39:00.005-04:00

In light of reading Ken Jenning's book, I am going to start my own mini trivia contest. I will ask 5 questions a week, hide the comments, then post the answers the following week. We'll play cumulative scoring, so if you only get one one week and five the next you're still good. Being a poor college student, I can't afford prizes, so you'll have to live with having the pride of winning Charlie Brown's Trivia Contest.

First round (we'll make them easy):

1. What is the capital of Sri Lanka?
2. Where were the Beatles founded?
3. Who won the 2007 World Series?
4. Who was the 20th president?
5. Who did Fidel Castro refer to as a revolutionary on the 20th anniversary of his death?

Pretty simple, I think. Try to answer them sans Google. It's more fun that way.

Book Review #2

2008-05-20T17:36:00.002-04:00

Brainiac
Ken Jennings

I have been waiting to read this book for a really long time. I am a trivia nut, and Ken Jennings is one of my trivia idols.His book reflects so much of my daily life, absorbing random information, always wanting to throw in an extra fact. There's something about it that's addicting and keeps us wanting more.

4.5 out 5
I would buy it.

Book Review #1

2008-05-17T21:31:00.002-04:00

Rainbow Boys
Alex Sanchez

This is actually a young adult but I didn't realize that when i bought it. It's about three teens in high school, two gay and one bisexual. it chronicles one semester of their lives and what they go through at the school. I enjoyed this book because I was able to identify with different elements of all three main characters. I am bisexual myself, so it was nice to see someone struggle with the same issues I have, trying to figure out how to identify yourself and how to display yourself to the group.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Not a book i'd run out and buy, but worth the $2.50 I paid for it.

Summer Break Begins

2008-05-17T21:26:00.003-04:00

So I am home for the summer, and what is the first thing I do? Pull up tackstrip. Our basement flooded earlier this week. Like sopping wet, carpet needs to be replaced, flooding. Ah, well.

No word on the internship yet. Hopefully soon, I really need to make money this summer.
I apparently have less to say than I thought. Finals went well (I hope). I get my grades next weekend. Stuff for England is falling in to place. Everything is going to start happening really quickly now. I'm excited, but a little nervous.

This year was hard. But it made me realize just how strong I am. If I could make it through that, I could make it through almost anything. I know I keep talking about all that I went throuh, but it really had a big effect on every aspect of my life.

Anyways, I'm going to post my first book review right after this. I'll do what I did last summer on my old blog: review every book i read and every movie I see. It's a good way for me to keep track of what I do over the summer. Maybe you'll find a book you want to read!

All right, that's all.

Time to update again/Recap

2008-05-10T21:37:00.003-04:00

Okay, sorry for another pathetic post, but there isn't much to post when things are actually going well. I finished one paper today that is getting turned in on Monday, then I have one more paper and one exam on Thursday and that's it. My junior year will be over. I won't be back at school for 7 months.

There's a lot of weird emotions going on right now. It's weird feeling better, because there's no longer a burden, something to fixate on. It's this "what now" feeling, trying to figure out what to do with the rest of your mind. Once this becomes more normal, I'll feel more normal, but I still feel kind of out of sorts.

Summer's coming and hopefully that will give me time to make sense of this year. Just to recap this disastrous year:

First day of classes- My grandmother passed away
Late Sept.-I begin to feel depressed
Mid-Oct.- I crash for the first time, doctor contemplates sending me home
November- Diagnosed with bipolar disorder
December-on 6 medications at this time
January- 3 episodes while in Vietnam
February-new medicine, begin to slightly unspool
April-Psychotic episode, sent home on temp. medical leave (left on Wed. , returned on Mon)
May-finally beginning to balance out

Now the positives:
-Met C, one of the greatest people ever
-Realized how much people care about me
-Went to Vietnam
-Went to Boston
-Went to Atlanta
-Accepted to Student Congress in KY
-Finished the year alive

As C told me, "You were in hell. This was hell." It certainly was. But I made it. Not many people in the same situation do; in fact, very few people are in the same situation. May next year be better, because it sure can't get any worse!

Next, off to England!

Quiet

2008-05-04T22:19:00.003-04:00

So traffic to the blog has been slow. Doesn't help that I kind of killed all my contacts when I shot down my old blog. I didn't want to do that, but I had to for multiple reasons. Mainly because you don't want the Dean of Students reading your blog.

Life in general has been relatively quiet for me. Nothing bad since last Monday which is good. I'm just kind of floating. It's like my adviser says, the meds they give you cut you off at the knees and they cut you off at the shoulders. I've accepted what used to be okay for me is now good. I can't go back to the same levels I used to be at; I need to adjust to where I am now.

I don't know why I'm posting right now. I'm in a kind of odd state right now, though it's not unusual. I've been socializing more, which is good, but I still feel lonely. It's the end of the semester and the work is overflowing. It will be done soon, and then I start my internship.

On the upside I got accepted to this Student Congress for statesmanship in Kentucky, which I'm psyched about. It starts on my birthday (21!), but all the costs are covered. It sounds really cool.
My mom was all like, "we have to celebrate earlier. It's a big birthday." I told her, "Mom, it's only big if you're going to drink. And I'm not a drinker. It's not that big; it's not like I can get my license or anything" (This is even funnier when you know I am 20 and don't have a driver's license.)

Sigh.

Now I am kind of rambling, but this is my blog, and I will do as I please. Stop reading if you want, I don't care. This is a catharsis for me, the only one that makes me feel like I can get my feelings out.

Okay.

Maybe I'll stop here. I ran out of things to talk about. If anyone wants to write a paper on Joe Cannon and Newt Gingrich let me know. Hahaha.

Feel free to comment. I like comments. Comments make me happy. Hint, hint. If this were any less subtle, it would be closer to your face than the screen already is.

Wow. Humor is lacking tonight. Time to shut up now.

Good night, Gracie.

Books

2008-04-30T17:01:00.001-04:00

So the summer is starting soon, and I need recommendations of books for the summer. I like some fiction and some non-fiction; really, it's all dependent on the book. Hit me with your best recommendations and just maybe I will read and review them this summer! Thanks!

Just one of those weeks

2008-04-29T22:36:00.002-04:00

Monday was a bad day. A very bad day. I hate bad days. Bad days for me can be debilitating.
Tuesday was a moderate day. Moderate days are okay. I can live with that.
Hopefully we're looking at an upward trend here. I can't afford another bad day.

So why I am posting? You know, I can talk to five different people every week on campus (which I do) but at the end of the day I still feel weighted down by everything. There just seems to be no relief, no light at the end of the tunnel. I hate bothering people when I feel like crap. I feel like a burden. I know I'm not, they've told me I'm not, but in my mind I am. When it came to episodes with either depression or BP I always felt like a burden.

I know a lot of what I say has simple responses, but nothing's simple with BP. Nothing's simple in my life anymore. It's hard, and when I say that I feel like a whiner. But there's no other way to put it. My best days are okay days. I haven't had a full good day in a while; I have good minutes.

There's so much in my mind that just festers there. I can't explain it to anyone, even here because it wouldn't make sense here. As much as I want to be alone, I don't want to be alone. As much as I'm not alone, I feel alone. Everything's a contradiction these days.

Now I have to continue in the tunnel. Hopefully I'll see the light soon. See you at the other side.

Crunch time

2008-04-27T23:32:00.004-04:00

Schedule of work for the next three weeks

4-30 10 Page Novel in Political Theory due
5-1 10-12 page History of Broadcasting Paper due
10-12 pageCongressional Politics Take Home exam due

5-7 Take Home Final Exam of unknown format for Novel in Political Theory due

5-8 Congressional Politics Presentation

5-13 10-15 page Congressional politics paper due
6-8 page Film Theory paper due

5-15- History of Broadcasting Exam

Needless to say, I'm a tad stressed. It's been an odd weekend for me, a combination of success and laziness, up moods and down. But I've got to buckle down. It'll get done, and it'll get done on time. It always does.

Why I Love Being a Communications Major

2008-04-24T19:53:00.002-04:00

I took on my Communications major originally for the PR aspect because I originally had aspiration to be a professional political speech writer, like Sam or Toby on The West Wing. When I started taking classes, however, I realized I enjoyed the theory aspect a lot more. One of my favorite classes is a hybrid between two majors: Media and Politics. My professor wrote this book as nostalgia as a tool for political campaigns. His book served as the inspiration for the final paper in his class about nostalgia about real life presidents as it was used on The West Wing, but it also inspired my senior honors thesis.

The goal of my thesis is to examine the image of the presidency in film and television. Primarily, if you haven't figured this out, I will focus on The West Wing and Aaron Sorkin's other work, The American President. I will also be looking at Commander in Chief, 24, Dave, and Air Force One.

This a is a huge project-it comes out to a 50 page paper and an oral presentation. So I'm dividing up the work really slyly. In my History of TV and Radio class, I am writing about the images of the president on tv, and in my film class I am writing about the presidency in film. My "research" partially consists of watching episodes of all these tv shows and movies. I have the coolest major. How many majors get to watch tv to write a paper? It's so much fun. Plus, the COm majors are so much more relaxed than Poli Sci majors that it's just fun being in class with them.
Besides, I have the most awesome adviser in the world. What could be better?

Judaism

2008-04-20T19:53:00.003-04:00

I was born Jewish, I was raised Jewish. I was not brought up incredibly religious, but there was a period of about four years when I wanted to be a rabbi. Now that's all changed.

Tonight's the second night of Passover, so usually people do a second seder. I went home for last night, but tonight I am back on campus and have never felt less like participating in a ritual such as this. But being in Hillel makes me so uncomfortable now, and Judaism doesn't mean that much to me anymore. It's weird.

Back in February I went to Georgia for the first time in 5 years. I went to my old synagogue, my home away from home. I saw my rabbi, my mentor. He gave me a big hug and I just wanted to go back to being that naive middle schooler who told him everything. You have no idea how much I wanted to say to my rabbi. I'm bipolar, I'm not as Jewish as I used to be, I miss you (that I said actually). But I couldn't. I didn't tell him much of anything, actually. We chatted about my school and the past, but really we didn't touch on any of the big topics.

Saturday morning I went to Torah Study. I used to attend this class all the time when I was in middle and high school, and I was the only kid. It was amazing. The rabbi even called me "the prodigal daughter".

But yet when I prayed I still felt nothing. Judaism was all about this feeling for me, deep inside my stomach. I haven't had that feeling since my grandmother died back in August. I don't really miss it,though. It feels like I outgrew religion. I find it very hard to grasp the concept of a being greater than the universe. It just doesn't sit very smoothly with me. Who knows? Maybe that's a good thing.

Dovstoyevsky and Me

2008-04-20T16:20:00.002-04:00

"Why, you...speak somehow like a book," she said, and again there was a note of irony in her voice.
That remark sent a pang to my heart. It was not what I was expecting.
-"Notes from the Underground", Fyodor Dovstoyevsky

I read this book last week for my Novel in Political Theory class. It mostly seemed like a rant by a middle-aged man, but when I read this line after the narrator goes on a tirade to a woman he meets in a bar, I realized I have a lot in common with the Underground Man.

See, people like myself and the Underground Man think too much. We look at life as outsiders and forget that we are actually part of it. Our thoughts are a way to escape the actual emotions of the time because sometimes it is easier to hide away than deal with the problems at hand. This is a situation I am all too familiar with.

After this realization, Underground Man decides it is time to stop living that way and essentially reintroduce himself to society. I am going to try and do that too. I am tired of feeling like I am in a different world than other people my age. I want to enjoy life to the fullest, and I will try with all my might to make sure that I do.

Ron Paul

2008-04-15T18:11:00.003-04:00

Last night Ron Paul came to speak at my school. He was interesting to say the least. More interesting were his followers, who came out en masse for this event.

Congressman Paul has some extreme ideas, including a foreign policy that emphasizes national sovereignty and involves leaving all foreign military bases. He won't call it isolationist, but that's what it is. If we pull out of the United Nations, it's not going to gain us any friends; we're going to lose the few we have left. Besides we already ignore most of the UN statutes, including the International Criminal Court and child labor laws. As long as we keep allowing them to have land in New York, they're not going to complain if we don't follow their policies.

In terms of domestic policy, he kept comparing everything including education to our religious values, asking us if we would want our religion judged by a national standard. Well, no I don't think religion should be put on a national standard, but education is the key to ensuring a prosperous future for America. True, some education should be the responsibility of the parents, but the state must take some responsibility in this regard.

I think what Ron Paul has going for him is the fact that he is a fresh face. He offers a new set of ideas to the table that really haven't been seen with this much prevalence in a major race. But we're at a precarious position in time and space right now. We need baby steps. We need to conquer the problems that we have before taking giant steps and turning the nation in a whole new direction. Ron Paul has some great ideas; they just aren't feasible for today's world.

CB

My Promise to You

2008-04-14T22:47:00.000-04:00

Hello new readers.

This is my second full throttle attempt at blogging. I like my audience to know a little bit about me so hear is the most basic information you will receive:
I'm a college student studying Political Science and Communications
I live near Washington DC, but have lived in Atlanta, New York, and New Jersey
I am a baseball fan, trivia nut, and positively obsessed with "The West Wing"
I am spending next semester in England, and am absolutely thrilled

Now there is one other issue that will come up in this blog, and that is the issue of mental illness. I am bipolar, diagnosed only in fall of last year, and recently suffered my first psychotic break. There will be days when I post and I am in bad moods, either manic or depressive. But I will try to keep my posts as rant-free as possible. For those of you who know me, all I ask is this: if you are concerned you have my number. Talk to me first, because I do get the help I need when I need it.

So I hope this hasn't scared you away from coming back. I'll try to post fairly regularly, but I am a college student, so work does tend to happen.
Thanks for reading.

CB