Judaism

I was born Jewish, I was raised Jewish. I was not brought up incredibly religious, but there was a period of about four years when I wanted to be a rabbi. Now that's all changed.

Tonight's the second night of Passover, so usually people do a second seder. I went home for last night, but tonight I am back on campus and have never felt less like participating in a ritual such as this. But being in Hillel makes me so uncomfortable now, and Judaism doesn't mean that much to me anymore. It's weird.

Back in February I went to Georgia for the first time in 5 years. I went to my old synagogue, my home away from home. I saw my rabbi, my mentor. He gave me a big hug and I just wanted to go back to being that naive middle schooler who told him everything. You have no idea how much I wanted to say to my rabbi. I'm bipolar, I'm not as Jewish as I used to be, I miss you (that I said actually). But I couldn't. I didn't tell him much of anything, actually. We chatted about my school and the past, but really we didn't touch on any of the big topics.

Saturday morning I went to Torah Study. I used to attend this class all the time when I was in middle and high school, and I was the only kid. It was amazing. The rabbi even called me "the prodigal daughter".

But yet when I prayed I still felt nothing. Judaism was all about this feeling for me, deep inside my stomach. I haven't had that feeling since my grandmother died back in August. I don't really miss it,though. It feels like I outgrew religion. I find it very hard to grasp the concept of a being greater than the universe. It just doesn't sit very smoothly with me. Who knows? Maybe that's a good thing.