Vent

For those of you who actually read this, I'm sorry for not updating. I don't think this is going to be a consistent thing, but I just needed to write this somewhere and I couldn't find anywhere else to do it.

I spent ten days (six in one stay, four the second) this summer in a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts associated with ongoing bipolar disorder.
Though no one knew about it except for a handful of people, and only a few more know about it now, it's a humiliating experience. To realize you can't hold your own life together and need to have it structured by techs in their late 20's and early 30's who think they're better than you is a devastating experience.
In some ways it was a growing experience. Through my therapy sessions, I became more assertive and was able to tell my parents more about how I felt. But my social anxiety has increased and I still get anxious in public places. Even the classroom, where there is normally less than 20 students, can be challenging.

Before I took my semester off, I was only beginning to slip off the peak of my academic tenure. Even in England, it had more or less only impacted my emotions and not my academics. Before England I was taking upwards of six or seven classes. Now I can barely handle four. I am by no means the same student I was as a freshman, sophomore, or junior.

It's embarrassing, to have to go to professors and tell them you need extra time on assignments. It's embarrassing to not be able to hang out with friends not because you don't want to, but because you physically can't. It's embarrassing to sit in a classroom and grip your seat arm so tightly your knuckles turn white just to stop your hands from shaking.

Yes, I'm on medication. And to a degree, I'm stable. My mood swings are less frequent and more in control. But not my suicidal thoughts. Some days I stare at the computer, knowing that there's a pair of scissors right below my hands in a desk drawer. And, yes, I have pulled them out a few times but I've always stopped myself. Except for punching a concrete wall, I have never done anything to harm myself. Do I want to live? Yes. Do I always see it as the optimal solution? No.

So why am I posting this? This is scary stuff. For everyone, both you and me. For my sake, I ask that those of you who read this don't share it with anyone. Everyone who I want to know about it already does, and those find it anonymously can read it as well. But for right now, all I needed was a place to vent. And that's what this is. I don't want to have to shut it down like I did my last one.

Thank you.

RENT

So RENT is my new obsession. I rented the final performance they filmed live on Broadway and fell in love. I think it's because so many of the lyrics speak to me. For example:

Will I lose my dignity?/Will someone care?/Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

When I hear those lyrics I think of my breakdown and wonder how I ever came through it. How did I make it out alive? Some days I don't believe I'm still here.

To people living with, living with, living with, not dying from disease

Even though bipolar is not a terminal illness, and I am certainlly not belittling the struggle of those who are going through a serious illness, when you have to feign off thoughts of death, it's like dealing with one. It takes over the mind and becomes completely consuming.

There's only now/There's only here/Give into love/Or live in fear

I need to start living. Really living. I've kept myself in such a shell it's hard for me to connect with people, and I don't want to be that way the rest of my life. I want to really become engaged in my life, and find someone to spend the rest of my life with.

RENT is coming to DC at the end of May, and I hopefully am going to go see it (hopefully, hopefully). I can't wait.

FORGET REGRET. NO DAY BUT TODAY.

Blah

Okay, so it's official.

I'm a failure at blogging.

I've been at home for the last 6 weeks, doing absolutely nothing, and I haven't blogged once, for the simple fact that there's nothing to blog about. Who wants to hear about how I cleaned the house for the third day in a row or how my therapy session went (because that's about the only thing I'm doing with my time)?

Things are looking up, though. Thursday I am going to my college to hear a speaker, and then I am staying for a few days. I get to have dinner with my adviser and his wife, and then Monday my uncle is coming down and we are going to the Orioles home opener! Then, in May, my brother and I are going to New York for a week and I'm going to get to see "Avenue Q" for a second time and "Wicked"! It's going to be an awesome trip.

Still no job or internship. I've been applying like crazy, calling in favors, but it's a really tough market right now. I'm hoping I'll have something that pays; at this point I'll take anything. Well, almost anything.

So that's about it. Like i said, my life's incredibly boring right now. But I can't wait till Thursday, so that's good. I'll write more when I get back. Probably.

I'm alive, I guess...

WARNING: TRIGGERS

So going back to school was supposed to be the best thing. I was supposed to meet with the doctor, get my meds straightened out, see my friends, and go back to life as it was before study abroad.

WRONG.

I had maybe one good day before I fell apart. And this time, I couldn't work. I've never had that problem before. The breaking point came when I had to drop my thesis, a project I've already been working on for a year. It was then I realized something was really not working right.

That, and the constant visual hallucinations of suicide didn't help, either.

So I made the decision to take a leave of absence. At the beginning of my last semester. Three courses short of graduating.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I've been in a deep depression since the end of January, and the tunnel is still dark. I came home today, and I'm a mess. Even as I write this, I'm in tears. I can't do this. I'm only so strong.

I'll be starting therapy next week, and seeing a psychiatrist soon, as well. i can't see right now that it's going to be okay.

There's nothing good about this situation. Can you tell I'm in bad shape right now?

I can't right anymore. Sorry to depress everyone. I just had to get this out.

I really should be working on my essays...

But, hey, I was pretty productive, I deserved the evening off. More work tomorrow.

I really have no idea what to write, but I wante to post. I have neglected this blog quite a bit this semester, for obvious reasons, and for that I apologize to ye few but faithful readers.
This being the last week of the semester (7 days till Europe!), I think I'll do a list of things I learned this semester:

-Robert Putnam will always haunt my academic career.
-British pub quizzes are harder than American pub quizzes.
-The microwave is my friend.
-I don't ever want to live by myself.
-I need my parents more than I thought. If it hadn't been for them, I wouldn't have made it through the semester.
-A five hour time delay can be quite long.
-There are people who will always be there for you, no matter what.

I had a rough semester. I had bad thoughts more than I'd care to admit, and I spent more than one night crying my eyes out. I tried really hard to be social, but UEA just wasn't the school for me. It was too big and overwhelming, and had too much of a drinking and party culture for me. But I learned a lot about myself, and that's important. I traveled, and I had my first taste of life outside of the college bubble. Was it worth it? That question is too hard to answer, because there are element I'd keep, but many more I'd leave behind.
Alas, next week the fun begins. I can't wait to see my best friend and my brother! I'm looking forward to it so much.
So what's going on in the states? Any thing interesting?

Open to the public?

So I am on facebook (along with a good portion of the living world). Under websites, right now, I currently only list my travel blog because I know the content is safe and no one can misinterpret it (for the most part).
But I kind of want my general blog to go back into circulation. I know it tends to delve into a self-pity run every now and then, but I kind of want to share it with people, increase my audience from 2 to 5, you know?
What do you think, loyal readers? Should I list it on Facebook or should I leave it hidden on the world wide web?

World AIDS Day

They unfolded your lives one by one
They laid out your patchwork under the sun
And people gathered from miles around
To witness your quilt spread on the ground.

And then they called out your name
Oh yes they called out your name
Oh and you will live forever
You know that I'll be loving you
Just like a patchwork quilt.

Well there were men and women, mothers and fathers
Sisters and brothers, daughters and sons
And children and babies, and lovers and friends
They all lay before me sewn into one.

Your lives had meaning and your lives had joy
You touches so many peole, many more than you will know
And you wrapped yourselves around me
As I walked along these rows
You're letting me feel your beautiful souls.

I feel the warmth of your lives
Oh and you will live forever
You know that I'll be loving you
Just like a patchwork quilt.

My heart spills over, flowing with tears
I cry for your suffering and
for your shortened years
And I'll take you with me as I walk away
Remembering you who have died with AIDS

Yes, I remember your names
Oh I remember your names
Oh and you will live forever
You know that I'll be loving you
Just like a patchwork quilt.

In memory of those who have dies from or are suffering from HIV or AIDS